There Is No Way We Can Be Related!
by LaughingTragedy
Summary: What happens when Ozpin has the entirety of Beacon take DNA tests? Many, many secrets and surprises are revealed from faunus heritage to new family members. Open to suggestions!
1. Chapter 1

**Imagine all sorts of crackpot theories like "Qrow is everyone's dad", "Jaune is secretly a faunus", etc. are true and ontop of that they are revealed through DNA tests. This is completely comedic, not meant to be serious in anyway, and you are free to suggest some hairbrained ideas so long as I can pull some humor from them. Let's begin and once more I own nothing**

* * *

Ruby gave out a loud yawn as she woke up, looking down to see Zwei asleep on her lap. She scratched his ears to help wake him up as well, eliciting a cute yawn from him. "Today's gonna be a good day, no classes, no missions, no r-"

The intercom blared, followed by the voice of Ms. Glynda Goodwitch,

 _"Would all students please report to the cafeteria, all students report to the cafeteria. Sleeping in and ignoring this will result in a Saturday detention, thank you."_

Ruby fell back on the bed, screaming into her pillow.

* * *

Zwei followed his master's team, every now and then nibbling at the big cat one's heels much to her chagrin. The faunus sighed, turning her head to the diminutive leader.

"Ruby... Please control your dog.. These leggings are expensive.." She rubbed her eyes, while the canine was keeping her from passing out he still was getting slober over her.

"Here, boy!" Ruby pulled out Crescent Rose, dangling a doggie treat from the tip of the blade. The halls soon filled with barking as Zwei kept jumping for it, "Come on, you can get it! You can get it!"

Weiss rolled her eyes, "So... does anyone have any idea why we're being called down?" Yang shrugged, "I'm gonna guess... new teacher? Hopefully tall, dark and handsome." She grinned, "What? Least I don't fantasize about ninjas or butlers."

"Hmm?" Ruby turned to the rest of RWBY, noticing Weiss puffing her cheeks and Blake... being Blake. "Well, anyway.. I think I remember Oobleck mentioning something about tests..tod..today..."

All four of them stopped in their tracks, giving Zwei the chance to steal the treat.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

* * *

Glynda looked over her colleague's numerous kits, "Why did Ozpin let you do this again?" The headmaster was known for his 'eccentric' purchases but this one was strange even for him.

The wild-haired man pushed up his glasses, done taking stock. "Because it is imperative that not only our students have the chance to discover previously unknown aspects of their heritage but also realize that deep down inside whether Faunus or human we are all creatures that bleed with a shared DNA structure."

"... You told him shenanigans would happen and he greenlit it immediately, didn't he?"

"Precisel-"

Both turned to the main entrance, hearing a low roar like they were walking into a full cafeteria.

"-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"

"Ah, it appears Team RWBY got the memo, I owe you 5 lien." The blonde smirked, one of the closest things to entertainment the faculty had were shenanigans, gambling, and the tears of children.

* * *

 **Welp, I'm gonna leave it up to you guys what the first 'major' reveal is.**

 **A. Emerald Sustrai turns out to be Qrow's daughter, with Yang and Ruby annoying their new 'cousin' after finding out they have family.**

 **B. Jaune turns out to have a monkey faunus ancestor, making him a distant cousin to Sun. Yes, I did that just because they're both blonde.**

 **C. Ozpin's current host body turns out to be someone's missing grandpa.**

 **I'll most likely just roll a die to see which I go with if you guys are okay with whatever, still feel free to suggest revelations.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Welp, I am both happy and sad. This got a bigger response in a few days and with one chapter than my other fic did in like a week. That aside, I'm looking forward to continuing this. Let's see what the people voted for,**

 **ABC**

 **\- Emerald Branwen-Sustrai - 8**

 **\- Jaune Wu Kong - 3**

 **\- Granpapi Ozpin - 8**

 **123**

 **\- Faunus Cardin - 4**

 **\- Aunt Glynda - 1**

 **\- Weiss Branwen-Schnee - 3**

 **Looks like someone's going to find a missing Grandpa and Emerald's getting a dad.**

* * *

After about half an hour, the entire student body of Beacon waited silently for Goodwitch to explain why they were here. Earlier they were all chattering like they usually would but stopped once they saw her bring down the crop onto poor Jaune's head. Footsteps broke the silence as the Headmaster walked in, sipping from his cup as usual. He joined Goodwitch and Oobleck by the massive pile of metal cases, taking a mic from behind one of them.

He surveyed the room, eyes all on him. "Be completely honest, raise your hand if you don't know why you're here."

All hands were in the air within seconds.

Ozpin pinched the bridge of his nose, _every day I regret immortality more and more_. "Very well, due to campaigning by our dear Dr. Oobleck you all will take part in Beacon's first DNA tests. These tests are meant to help with genealogical research, and help bring us closer to understanding semblances." _And possibly, I don't know... use the DNA to create the next generation of huntsmen and huntresses_. "The tests will take seconds and automatically alert you to any matches who happen to be in this school. Any questions?"

Blake rose her hand, "Yes, Ms. Belladonna?"

"Isn't it a major violation of privacy for you to hold on to our genetic info...? Not only that but alert us to family we don't even know about?"

Ozpin nodded his head along, taking a sip from his mug. "While you have valid points, keep in mind that this school is to train you all into monsterkillers. Initiation was me literally flinging you all off a cliff so you'll learn how to 'fly'. Privacy is at this point at the bottom of the list of priorities compared to keeping you all alive."

The felinid withdrew her hand, eyes narrowed a bit but relented.

"Now, you will each be called up by team, you are free to return to your dorms but must take the test by the end of the day. Trust me, we'll know if you have or haven't taken it."

He finished his cup and left to get a refill, leaving Goodwitch in charge as she took the mic.

"Teams, CRDL, RWBY, JNPR, and CMSN."

* * *

Team RWBY returned to their dorm after each getting a kit each. Opening them up they saw it appeared to be some kind of mini-computer that came with cotton swabs, tiny vials, and a funnel they assumed was used to feed the DNA in there. Blake took out a pamphlet she found in hers.

" _Congratulations on receiving your very first DNA Testing Kit from Asnan Aldiyk Industries. To begin, simply remove either a hair, wipe a bit of the inside of your cheek with the given cotton swabs, or some other form of bodily liquid and place it into the computer's funnel. The machine will automatically turn on and from there give you statistics and info based off your genetic information_."

Yang smiled, "We should be careful, wouldn't want to get into a hairy situation now?"

Weiss sighed, "You're the worst, as for these tests I don't see the need to take one. Any self-respecting Schnee has the family tree memorized."

"Um, I think dad mentioned something about a grandpa or something." Ruby twiddled her thumbs, not really remembering any family outside of Dad, Mom, and Uncle Qrow. "Hey, did Uncle Qrow ever tell you about the Branwens, Yang?"

"Other than that they toss their kids off the roof so they learn how to fly? Nope." She seemed pretty alright with that, Qrow usually just grumbled and chugged his flask when asked about his side of the family.

A loud ding caught RW-Y's attention, turning to see Blake finishing her test after plucking out a hair. "Hmmm, seems about right, you guys wanna see the results?"

They all got behind her, surprised by how detailed it was.

Her highness' eyes widened at some of the results. "Um... 13% Supphalak cat... 17% Shorthaired cat... 20% Black Panther...? I know Faunus have animal traits bu-"

"No, my ancestors weren't literal cats. Faunus just share similarities with animal species to the point of our DNA sharing some overlap. We're still pretty much human, look it says I'm 33% Mistralian and 17%... Atlasian...?" The monochrome duo turned to face each other, turning back to the screen and mentally agreeing to ignore that last part.

"So kitkat, ready to see what my results are?" Yang smiled, going for one of the swabs. Pffft, pluck on of my hairs, yeah right.

She plopped into into her kit and waited, the rest of her team getting behind her to see the results.

"Hmmm, oh damn I'm Mistralian too! 53%, that make us cousins, Blakey?" She smiled at her partner before going back to the list. "47% Valian, seems legit..." She seemed disappointed at the results until a bright message flaired up on screen.

"Match found!"

Yang turned to her sister, "You didn't take your test yet did you?" She shook her head, leaning closer to the screen. "You know what this means, Yang?"

"WE GOT FAMILY HERE!" They high-fived, excited to have another addition to the tree who is hopefully not a drunk or an old man.

"Five lien says its Jaune." Schnee giggled, Blake nodded, "Twenty says it's one of the Haven kids."

* * *

Meanwhile, in the dorm of Team CMSN (Cinder, Mercury, Sustrai, and Neo), there was a very different reaction.

"This machine is fucking with me... I know it." She stared at the results again, somehow she matched up with one Yang Xiao-Long. She kept screaming on the inside as she thought what this could have meant while Mercury was laughing his ass off. "Oh this is too rich! Gonna start hanging out with Team Goody Goody now? Do each other's nails a-"

A quick punch to the crotch silenced him, Emerald turned to Cinder. "They probably already got a message like this by now... The hell are we going to do when that happens?"

Cinder smiled, "Play along."

"What?" Both Emerald and Merc stated, the girl screaming louder as she thought about having to endure the hyperactivity of Ruby and the punishment that is Yang.

"Think about it, these types treat family and trust them better than their own friends. With you related not only to one of them but their leader. You'll be the perfect spy, my dear Emerald." She gave her a pat on the head, earning a smile. "Alright... I'll do it..."

"How are you related to them anyway?"

Sustrai strugged, never really knowing her father and her mother dying when she was 5. "Guess we'll find out."

* * *

Ozpin was once again in his office, a fresh cup in his hand once more as he waited for his results to be processed. _Hmmm, how long ago has it been since I possessed this man, again? Lord, I don't even remember if he had any relatives before I just went off... I'm sure it's nothing._

"Match found!"

 _Fuck..._

* * *

Team -DRL were currently trying to cheer up their leader who was currently rocking back and forth as he looked at the test results.

" _14% Central Animan Boar."_

Russel scratched the back of his head, "Hey, you know what will cheer you up, boss? We can go mess with one of those freaks like Ve-..." He stopped himself after realizing his mistake.

Cardin cried into his knees, "Everything I know is a lie!"

* * *

"Oh cool, says I'm 9% Vacuan Gibbon!" Jaune smiled, a bit surprised but would explain why a lot of the older Arcs had the manes of great beasts. Plus his family had an amazing banana bread recipe. Would also explain why he could hold stuff with his feet.

* * *

 **See you guys next time.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Assalam alaykum, everybody! Here we go with part 3.**

* * *

Ozpin rubbed his temples as he walked through his books, _never thought I'd go through this thing again... This soon anyway_

The wizard pulled out a tome of considerable size, emerald cover with golden trimmings in a language long since dead. He plopped it onto a nearby desk and blew on it, releasing a massive dust cloud.

 _Am I really that old...?_ He looked at the book, not even remembering when this language died out let alone where it was spoken. Erosion was weird like that, one day you go get lunch at your favorite locale and the next it's a bunch of ruins. Now that's going to bug me, eh, I'll ask Bartholemew later. Best I take care of this before my match decides to find me...

He turned the pages, eyes widening when he came across one of his first iterations. By the brothers hat was silly, thank god I lost that long ago.

The professor kept flipping through, coming across everything from when he was a tribal chieftain, a medieval queen, and a shopkeep. His eyes finally rested on his current form,

 _Wodanaz Ozpin... Native of Anima, was in the process of proposing to his girlfriend when we merged... Had to leave immediately, couldn't risk bringing innocents into this... She had red hair, pale skin, amber eyes..._

"Damn it!" He shut the book, no other info than a picture of 'him' during his youth.

Ozpin put the book back, muttering to himself as he went to brew another cup.

* * *

Back in Team RWBY's dorm, Yang was making a call to Uncle Qrow with an excited Ruby jumping up and down beside her. The heiress and (former) terrorist were at their bed, getting ready to get Weiss' results.

"Hey, kiddo, to what do we owe the pleasure?"

"Do you have any kids?"

There were a few moments of silence on the other end, followed by a mechanical tone saying, "Call has ended."

"I'll take that as a yes?" Blake raised an eyebrow, "What makes you think they're related through Qrow?"

Ruby pulled out Yang's kit, showing a picture of a red-eyed girl with dark skin. "Duh, she has red eyes just like Uncle Qrow!"

"I'm not even going to argue with that... Anyway, how's your test going Weiss?" The faunus turned to her left and received a nod. "Almost done, it's already revealed the obvious with me being a Schnee and al-"

A loud "Match found" sounded, Weiss looking down with a surprised expression. "Um," she tapped on it, revealing a photo of Yang. "... No..."

"Who is it, Weiss-cream?"

She immediately shut the kit, "Nobody important, some random 2nd year. Soooo... maybe it's a good idea to invite your Uncle over to sort out that thing with Emerald?" The Schnee looked down at her kit, unable to look Yang in the face. Blake had a massive grin once she realized why Weiss was acting so different, Ruby was getting excited about Uncle Qrow visiting, and Yang was still just happy that they found new family. "Sure, why the hell not? Rubes, send a text or call dad to tell Qrow to visit, I'm gonna visit our new cuz."

She walked out the door, heading towards the transfer student's dorm.

* * *

Emerald was pacing her dorm, the more she thought about it the more she actually warmed up to the idea of family. Sure, she did have Cinder and Merc but at most she was a mentor to her and he... well he fit the bill of an annoying little brother. Oum, what if her dad was actually still around?

A knock on the door interrupted her thoughts, followed by a loud, "COUSIN!" from the other side of the door.

I change my mind, Sustrai sighed and opened it, revealing her 'cousin' Yang. "Hey, Yang, what brings you here?" She gave a smile, _please don't have me pretend to be nice all day._

 _"_ Well, as you must know... We're related!" She brought the girl into a hug, "I can't believe here of all places I'll meet another Branwen!"

Sustrai coughed out, "Yo-...you're crushing me.."

Yang paused before letting go, scratching the back of her head. "Heh..heh, sorry, just a little excited is all. Always thought Uncle Qrow had some kids running around somewhere."

Emerald took a deep breath, "No problem... So... this Qrow's my dad, huh?"

The blonde nodded, taking a seat on Mercury's bed. "Either that or my mom had another kid... did she?" She looked up at Emerald, her eyes having a look that Emerald saw in herself a lot before she met Cinder.

 _Desperation_

She sighed, taking a seat next to her. "I don't think so, mom had my complexion and my hair but her eyes were blue... Name was Berdea Sustrai.." Yang put an arm around the girl, eliciting a flinch. "I can tell that she's a touchy subject... Maybe I can tell you about your dad?"

Emerald looked up and smiled, "I'd like that."

* * *

Ozpin paced in his office, looking at all the files on students from Anima as he repeated their names in his head.

 _Pyrrha Nikos... Lie Ren... Nora Valkyrie... Scarlet David..._ _Sage Ayana..._ _Neptune Vasilias..._ _Arslan Altan..._ _Bolin Hori..._ _Reese Chloris..._ _Nadir Shiko... For the love of the Brothers why do I accept so many students?_

He collapsed into his chair, his scroll starting to buzz. Ozpin pulled it out to see it was Glynda calling, he shrugged and answered, putting her on speaker.

"Yes, Glynda?" He got his mug and took a sip, not ready for what she was about to say.

"Your granddaughter is here to see you, she's already in the elevator." She stifled a bit of a laugh.

Ozpin spat out the contents of the cup, scorching his lips after doing so. "WHAT?!"

The doors opened, a pink and orange blur coming out of it and bringing the old man into a crushing hug. "GRANPA!"

The crushed wizard looked down, his specs having fallen off his face but he could still see clearly. Before him was Nora Valkyrie, giving him about 17 years worth of hugs in only a few seconds.

 _Oh you have to be fucking with me._

* * *

 **Sorry this didn't come out sooner, power has been going in and out in my neck of the woods. I'll do my best to get the next chapter out sooner, guys.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Been awhile, hasn't it? Well... death in the family so... yeah... been away for awhile as I tried pulling myself together. Anyway, less sadness, whole reason I made this account was for fun so let's have some fun!**

* * *

Ozpin was rubbing his temples, of all the students at this academy it never dawned on him that one of them was related to him. Well, not anyone related to his _recent_ form anyway. After losing track of how old he was it was logical that nearly 99% of the human and faunus population were related to at least one of his incarnations somehow. It's also a reason why he never looked into romantic ventures, not only would they distract from his chessmatch but it'd be waaay too close to incest for his tastes. And yet... before him was a granddaughter who was 17 years old yet he himself was only... what year was it again?

 _Oh Brothers she's still talking._

"-nd we can go shopping together! Spend Eostre, Winter Solstice, Halloween, and I can introduce you to REN~!"

The smile on her face was just so... bright, he read over her file and remembered how she was an orphan raised alongside the Lie boy.

 _Wait... Orphan... Oh no..._

Those blue orb looked up at him the way children would at meeting their hero, yet behind that there was something else Ozpin saw that clung at his heartstrings. He patted her head, "Of course, Mi- I mean... Nora." He smiled,

" _AAAAH_!" She hugged him harder somehow, an audible crack emanating from him. "Nora... please put me down..."

* * *

While that family reunion was going on, a family revelation was happening.

Winter Schnee was surprised at her sister's sudden video call and more surprised at it's subject matter. "Pray tell, why are you requesting information on that drunken dolt?"

"I... you see... um..." Weiss still hadn't accepted herself, but she managed to convince Oobleck to give her another kit. And then another. And then another. And then another...

"What did I tell you about stuttering like a fool?" She narrowed her eyes, it was like that time Weiss was trying to explain who broke Uncle Bartholomew's vase to father. It was Whitley but the bastard would never believe his little angel would do anything he'd dislike.

"I... I'm not a daughter of Jacques Schnee."

The elder Schnee paused, _... Well shit._

Weiss sent her multiple results to her sister, revealing all of them showed her having a match with Ruby Rose and Yang Xiao-Long through her nearest paternal relative. Given how the only other Branwen she knows is their uncle...

"Is... is this just some kind of joke... This is a joke, right...?"

Winter checked the results, legitimate and from a trusted company. She rubbed her temples, "I... may or may not remember... that idiot saying something.. along the lines of... _fornicating_ with our mother..."

Weiss' heart sank, she knew fidelity was never a thing in her parent's marriage. Hell, she knew his father spent more time with escorts than his own kids while she was growing up. At least mom hid her affairs from the family... And... She was still a Schnee after all! She clenched her fist, _I am still a Schnee!_

"Weiss!"

She snapped out of her inner turmoil, "I'm.. I'm sorry! Just... I think I'll be fine with this being true... just needed... reassurance. I..."

"I know... Father is a vile bastard who attached himself to the Schnee like a parasite, the good news from this is we know that none of his toxic blood flows through your veins... or...mine... possibly."

Weiss raised an eyebrow at that last bit. Winter wiped her face quick, a lot of things suddenly making sense. "He... asked me to call him daddy once but I assumed it was a vile fetish... would explain why he gave me a doll that day..."

"You know... He has another kid here at Beacon.. possibly... and is visiting soon..."

Winter sighed, "I'll ask the General for some time off, I'll try to be there as soon as I can."

"Thank you, goodnight, sister.'

"Goodnight, Weiss."

* * *

 **I'm going to post more chapters, try to go for a daily or at least every other day schedule. Love y'guys.**

* * *

 **Yeah, this was written/posted at like 3 AM so some mistakes made their way in. One of them was saying Weiss is related to both Yang and Ruby through Qrow, though this can work. Despite my indifference to it, would add to the insanity for Ruby to find out her sister is a prima-hermana instead.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Not much of an opening, I don't own RWBY? That's about all I have to say.**

* * *

Ruby managed to sit still long enough to read the results, she wasn't sure what she was expecting. A distant cousin on the Rose side of the family? Maybe someone whose folks even met her mom! They could tell her about how Summer was, share pictures of her, pass down heirlooms she never got to see.

A ding brought her out of her thoughts and she smiled, seeing a large amount of results found.

 _Yang Xiao-Long: Match through paternal line, most likely cousin_

"Huh, that's weird, guess these things have trouble telling cousins and siblings apart." She chimed, eagerly dusting that disturbing question under the rug. Only for it to tear through the rug once she saw the other matches,

 _Emerald Sustrai: Match through paternal line, most likely sister_

 _Weiss Schnee: Match through paternal line, most likely sister_

"..." She took a deep breath, pulled out her scroll and dialed Qrow.

* * *

 _Meanwhile... In SSSN's dorm_

Sun was surprised that Neptune knew this Arc guy, he was more surprised that someone as so not awesome as this Arc could in anyway be related to him. The blonde rubbed his head as accepted the banana bread, _Bit racist but I'd be lying if I said I didn't want it._ Jaune sat next to him, the three currently alone with Neptune playing videogames on the couch. Sage and Scarlet were currently out and about, dealing with their fangirls and fanboys respectavily.

"Sooooo..." Jaune coughed, trying to gain the faunus' attention. _Wait, does this mean I'm a faunus too or like 1/16th faunus?_ "Your test managed to match with mine, mine says I'm like 1/12th gibbon/monkey so... Family hug!" The Arc gave a bright smile and widened his arms, earning a glare from Sun. He put up a finger as he kept chewing, finally swallowing and giving a proper response. "First, we need to make you cool if you're gonna be going around calling me cousin. Second, we need to get you some abs. Third, you're giving me this banana bread recipe."

Jaune nodded along, "So.. family hug?" Sun sighed, grinning as he brought Jaune in for a noogie.

* * *

 _Meanwhile... Outside_

 _Hmm, maybe this isn't so bad. Been awhile since I've been around any recent family, I mean... yeah there's Jaune... and literally everyone I have met but someone as recent as a granddaughter and not a great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great..._

Nora was skipping along as she noticed 'Granpa' Oz was deep in thought with a smile on his face, she had one to match as she imagined all the things they're gonna do today.

 _Nora's Mega-Awesome-Super-Spectacular Day Checklist!_

 _1\. Get pancakes!_

 _2\. Break legs_

 _3\. More pancakes!_

The two continued with their thoughts, passing a strange sight as Yang and Emerald were 'bonding'. Bonding as in Emerald was reading a book while Yang used her for reps, talking as she kept lifting the girl.

"So, Qrow is a lil... eccentric let's say."

Emerald rolled her ruby eyes, "I live with a silverbrained idiot and a midget psycho, how eccentric we talking?

Yang flashed a smile, "You'll see, by the way if he smells of booze don't worry that's just his natural musk. And the booze."

"... Good to know." _Guess that explains how I came to happen... Wait... wait fuck, what if he asks me to move in with him!? What if he asks me what I do? What if he wants to be a part of my life?! He's a hunter, he'd ruin everything!_

Yang saw the stressed look on Emerald's face, "Hey, how's about we take a break and go mess around with some nerds?"

The darker-skinned Branwen smiled, "Sure." _Must be in our blood to be sadistic, eh?_

* * *

 _Meanwhile... in the Library_

Weiss Schnee was currently banging her head on the table, knowing full well that sooner or later either of the sisters will find out her results. Next to her was a gleeful Blake who couldn't be happier. "So, when you gonna start calling them sisters? Gonna start inviting them over for the holidays? You know, one big happy family."

The heiress turned her head, "Fuck. You."

"Ooooh, you're sounding more and more like you're dear old dad."

"Do you want me to use this?" Weiss held up a dog whistle, causing the black cat to pause and go back to her usual stoic expression. "Better, now... what am I gonna do? I.. you know the level of scandal this would cause?!"

Blake rolled her eyes, "Isn't it an open secret your dad is a cold womanizer?"

"But not my mother, she's the only one who actively stays out of the limelight... She'd be crushed to be thrust back into it..." Weiss raked her head, thinking over this. _Maybe Ruby and Yang... and Emerald.. and Qrow... can keep a secret._

* * *

 **Just a small chapter to show I'm still kicking, next one will be posted tomorrow or after tomorrow.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Surprise, I'm not dead, if you wanna know what's going to be happening to this story and others just wait until the end. Let's begin.**

* * *

Qrow looked up at the shining gates of Beacon, the place where he met the love of his life and numerous side hos. He smirked, reminiscing on so many sleepless nights. "It's good to be home." He muttered, downing his flask and entering the courtyard. He caught a strange sight as he saw the monkey boy and the Arc kid Ruby would talk about trying to climb trees.

The faunus shook his head at the boy's misfortune, struggling to pull himself up. "Come on, you're part monkey, this should be easy!" The other blonde grunted, losing his grip and falling on his ass. This got a laugh from the reaper, for whatever reason Qrow never liked the kid. _Asshole reminds me too much of Tai... I swear if he tries to pull a Xiao Long on Ruby and Yang..._ He pulled out his spare flask, opening it up as he kept walking. _Speaking of which... I wonder that those two are up to._

* * *

Ruby coughed to clear her throat, "Alright, let the first meeting of the 'Branwen Abandoned Spawn Trauma Awareness Ruby-led Dilemma Session' begin!". A brightly colored banner with the words _**"B.A.S.T.A.R.D.S."**_ printed in bright red. Around her in foldable chairs were Weiss Schnee, Emerald Sustrai, and their cousin Yang Xiao Long. The Schnee raised her hand, "Yes, sister?" Ruby silently gushed inside getting to call her BFF that.

"Can we call ourselves something other than bastards?"

Emerald nodded in agreement, Yang was just holding in her giggles since she helped make the name and sign. Ruby scratched her head, then looked up at the sign and screamed,

* * *

" _YANG_!"

Qrow downed his second spare flask, tossing it aside (maybe aiming for blondie's head), "That's my cue." He followed the sound of Ruby's voice, ready to face something he's been running from for ages.

* * *

 **Insanely short, but I'm on final schedule so this is best I can do at the moment. If you guys honestly want to see more of this crack fic or have any criticism, please say so. As for my other RWBY stories, if any of you want to see RWBY fight zombies/Evil Dead or nightmare demons, voice your opinion on that too.**

 **... Oh yeah and that alternate Jaune fic, oh christ I forgot about that. Nothing like seeing that boy suffer.**


	7. Chapter 7: Omake

**While I work out the next chapters, thought I'd do a few one-shots from all the suggestions that didn't make the cut. First up to bat is the Faunus Princess herself being another Schnee Princess.**

* * *

A loud ding caught RW-Y's attention, turning to see Blake finishing her test after plucking out a hair. "Hmmm, seems about right, you guys wanna see the results?"

They all got behind her, surprised by how detailed it was.

Her highness' eyes widened at some of the results. "Um... 13% Supphalak cat... 17% Shorthaired cat... 20% Black Panther...? I know Faunus have animal traits bu-"

"No, my ancestors weren't literal cats. Faunus just share similarities with animal species to the point of our DNA sharing some overlap. We're still pretty much human, look it says I'm 50%... Atlasian...?" The monochrome duo turned to face each other, turning back to the screen and mentally agreeing to ignore that last part.

"I guess it's my turn then, no doubt given the estoric nature of the Schnee family I should have some distant family here." Weiss took out her kit, swabbing the inside of her mouth with the provided q-tip and placing it in. _Please dear Gods, let it be anyone but that dolt or dunce... I have enough annoying family as is with father..._

A bright message flaired up on screen.

"Match found!"

Weiss smiled, only to freeze once she was shown a picture of Blake with the caption, "Blake Belladonna. Possible Sibling, 50% match through maternal line." Much to her despair, that caption was said aloud. Blake cleared out all four of her ears, "W-what did that just say?"

* * *

The monochrome siblings were both now speaking to their parents in tandem through the magic of technology. And with Weiss' case only her mother and Klein were present.

"H..how can this happen?!" Blake was raking her head over everything, she was still a 100% match with both her parents but the test also said the elder Schnee was a maternal parent. Kali was the first to speak, Willow wasn't drunk enough to get through this conversation so she was busy chugging a glass of wine to get through it.

"You see, dears... Ghira and I had issues conceiving.. Which is why Blake doesn't have a whole litt-"

The cat faunus blushed a bright red, "Mom, please get to the point where I'm that one's sister..."

"Of course," the older cat coughed in her hand, "before you were conceived there was a fertility clinic testing out this extraordinary experiment that takes the egg of two mothers with the sperm of one father. Improving fertility and lowering the risk of any hereditary illnesses. As it turns out, the egg donor for you was Mrs. Schnee here."

The elder Schnee wiped her mouth with a handkerchief, "It... well let's just say that it was difficult conceiving prior and I donated a few... But my lord I can see it now, you have my cheekbones, my dear." Deep down, she was happy knowing she had another daughter, circumstances be damned.

Weiss was still frozen, but shook herself out of it. "Okay... I.. I guess that makes sense, so that makes me and Blake sisters then."

"And her taking your place in the line of inheritance." Klein interjected, coughing into his fist after seeing the expression on the poor girl's face.

Both members of Team RWBY screamed out, "What?!"

Ghira put his hand under his chin, "Hmm, would make sense, our girl was born towards the beginning of the year and from what I recall young Weiss here was born towards December. While being of the same year, Blake is the eldest in months."

Mama Schnee nodded along, "I'm sure Weiss will be alright with lending you her cards and all, Oum knows there's enough money to go around."

Weiss and Blake looked at each other, their eyes narrowing. "Of course not... Mother." Weiss said through gritted teeth, Blake nodded, "I'm sure she'll be okay with it, mom."

* * *

 **Might continue this, might not. Depends on how you guys feel.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Ah, hello again, I know it's been awhile but life has been a tad bit hectic. But enough about me, let's dive into the carnage.**

* * *

Qrow took a deep breath, and a deep swig, as he knocked on the door of the so-called "B.A.S.T.A.R.D.S". He knew that this day would come but he expected it to be after his death or when Raven comes back to be a good mom, you know, never. When there was no reply he sighed, turning the knob ever so slowly. _Ever there was ever a time for my semblance to suddenly give me good luck... Now is the time._

The Brothers were not on his side as he opened the door to see Ruby and Yang wrestling on the floor, with what he can only he assumed was a Schnee facepalming and a green-haired girl just watching the fight on fold. All four turned to the door and froze when they saw the man who they were all waiting for. After a good few minutes of silence, Emerald broke the silence.

"D-dad...?"

Qrow could only say one thing at that moment, "H-hey, kiddo..."

She walked up to him, tears welling up in her crimson eyes as she was now right infront of the man. And she kicked him in the balls as hard as she could.

* * *

 _Sometime later_

Qrow was on the floor still despite already given an ice pack and having aura, but men of all types understood why. He steadied his breath as if he were going through the pain of labor. Yang was rubbing his back reassuringly as Weiss and Ruby managed to calm Emerald down. Ruby was the first to speak up, "S..so... I think explanations are in order.."

"Sit me up, Yang..." The old man grumbled, his niece doing what she was asked. He was now facing his daughters, "Alright... when a man and a woman are in love.. or just dr-"

Weiss held her hand up, "Stop... not that kind of explanation, the explanation for why all of us share an X chromosome?"

"And why you left me and my mom!" Emerald spat at his feet, tempted to make sure he won't need to worry about bastard kids.

The reaper took out his flask, which Ruby immediately snatched from him, "No drinking... We need you sober for this..."

"Fine.. Fine.. Well, my semblance involves bad luck. Towards others specifically."

Each girl raised their eyebrow, "And that has to do with this how...?"

Qrow coughed into his hand, "Well.. When using condoms you know how there's a 98-99% guarantee rate?"

Ruby scratched her head, "I still do-" She turned to her 'sisters', seeing each having a bright red blush. "Oh... Oooooooooooooooooooh."

"Yeah.. s-"

"So you're saying we're all accidents..." Weiss put her head in her hands, Emerald patted her back reassuringly. "Look on the bright side... Your mom's rich while mine died penniless in the gutter..." Her eyes narrowed at Qrow, who choked a bit. "W-what?"

"Yeah, Oria Sustrai, rings any bells?" She crossed her arms, waiting for Qrow's response.

"Nice little number who operated a bar I visited one night, am I correct?"

She nodded, tears starting to come back.

"I'm sorry for not coming back... If I'd have known I'd have stopped that from happening best I could.. And.. might not be much now but if you want me in your life I'll happily try my best to be there."

Her expression softened a bit, muttering something about that being start. It was Weiss' turn, "As for just... how, you managed to... 'bed' my mother..?"

He shrugged, looking ideally out the window, "I remember it like it was yesterday..."

* * *

 _Willow Schnee was in a state of undress s-_

* * *

"NO! No, no, no, no, no!" Yang managed to get up and covered Ruby's ears, Weiss rubbed her temples as she rephrased her question. "How did you MEET my mother?!"

"Oh, eh, had to save her from a few White Fang attacks and we got really drunk together. Less of a one night stand and more of an ongoing friends with benefits thing."

Weiss gagged at that, _And yet... this is still a better father figure then Jacques._

Ruby raised her hand, "So... why was I raised by my dad and not you?" DNA aside, Ruby spent her life being raised by Taiyang and will see him as her dad no matter what.

The old crow laid back, "Because my semblance would have eventually gotten you hurt... Summer thought it was safest having Tai take care of you alongside Yang.. She and I were going to tell you when you were older but..."

He got silent, stiffening when he felt Ruby come over and hug him. "It's alright... I forgive you." She smiled, kissing his cheek which helped lift his spirits. He ruffled her hair like he always would, "Thanks, squirt.. So.." He turned back to the others, "These are all my kids?"

"Not all of them."

At that moment, they all turned to the doorway. They saw Velvet, Nora, Winter Schnee, even Whitley Schnee waiting outside the room.

"We late for the meeting?" Nora smiled, Qrow merely fainted in response.

* * *

 **Tada**


	9. Chapter 9

**To those who believe this story is going to turn into Qrow having a harem, no. The reason why he has so many kids is because I thought it'd be funny, plus I see it less as him having a harem and more a long list of drunken one night stands. Anyway, let's continue with the Branwen clan.**

* * *

Whitley was currently rocking back and forth in fetal position, tears running down his face. "This isn't happening... this isn't happening... this isn't happening..."

Qrow sat down next to him, putting an arm around the boy. "What? Too overwhelming to have such an awesome dad?"

The boy broke out into sobs, "I'm a bastard spawn of some drunken barbarian!" At that, his 'dad' gave him a quick slap upside the head. "Hey! You show your old man some respect!"

While the two had a tender father-son moment, the rest of the room were discussing this recent development in a circle. Ruby scratched the back of her head as she looked over her shoulder at the boys, "Uh.. shouldn't we help them?"

Winter shook her head, "I'm sure they're fine, now... it appears that all of you now know that all heirs of the Schnee house are not the spawn of the patriarch Jacques."

Emerald smirked, "I bet a lot of pe-"

Whatever she was going to say was stopped by a blade placed against her throat. "Blood or not, I will not hesitate to take appropriate measures to keep that information from spreading to unsavory individuals." She removed the weapon, "Now... As my sister I will expect you to join Weiss and I for brunch every other Sunday, accept my holiday gifts in return for homemade cards, and give hugs."

Nora beamed at that last one, giving Winter the most spine-crushing hug she could muster. "Oh this is the best day ever! I get a grandpa, a dad, and a bunch of sisters!" The eldest Schnee choked out, "T-that's very n-" a crack was heard as her face began to turn blue. Yang, Weiss, and surprisingly Emerald began to pry Nora off the poor girl. Ruby and Velvet were left just watching the display, she decided to turn to her new faunus sis. "Sooo... how'd your mom and Qrow meet?"

Velvet scratched the back of her head and smiled, "Well... same as Nora's mom, only my mom was working the late shift in a Mistrali pub and... you can guess the rest." Her cheeks started burning a tad bit red, Ruby's as well after her insinuation.

"Oh THANK OUM!"

The two turned to see Winter free of Nora's grasp, treating the air like a man in the desert treats a puddle of water. Qrow came over, dragging Whitley by the collar. "So girls... how about some ice cream? A little bit of family bonding, y'know?"

All (who weren't catching their breath or being dragged) nodded.

* * *

Pyrrha wasn't sure what to make of the scene before her,

"Just... one more time, explain..."

If she didn't have the patience of a saint she'd rub her temples, before her was Pyrrha's dear friend and team leader tangled in the vines of a tree. The monkey faunus who got him in that predicament chuckled nervously,

"Well... We've been doing some family bonding and I thought to really bring him intouch with his faunus side w-"

"Was to have him swing through the trees like an ape man... which ended in this.." She pinched the bridge of her nose, _At the very least you could've put him in a loincloth for me..._

She tossed her spear without even having to look, the dunce landing next to them with a thud. He spat out some grass and gave a thumbs up, "Thanks, Pyrrha!"

 _Even when covered in dirt he manages to be adorable._ She gave a small smile and nodded, "I'm sorry... Come on, I hear Ren is spending some time with his distant relative. Maybe they could use some company."

* * *

Somewhere in the Beacon dormitory, Cinder Fall found herself sat across from her 8th cousin, a quiet Mistrali with a thing for green tea. After introductions, they just sat in silence and sipped their tea. No going over plans, no dealing with annoying teammates/henchmen, and nothing really out of the ordinary.

 _This is... nice._ She thought, keeping her stoic expression as she raised her glass.

* * *

 **Keep in mind this was always meant to be a crack kind of story meant to entertain, to keep things easier I might have the next chapters just be omakes (either separate from this 'timeline/canon' or within this timeline). If you have any ideas like any of the Branwen Sisterhood's suitors asking Qrow for his approval, Cardin becoming less of a dick after joining a faunus group, or Ozpin spoiling his newfound granddaughter. As for why this chapter was so short, I really just wanted to show that I'm not dead and am still interested in continuing this in some form.**


End file.
